Kirukkals

Voices in my head

2010-09-08T14:02:00.005-05:00

I am into mommy blogs these days. There are tons and tons of them talking about pee, poop, feeds, midnight wakings, terrible two's, terrible three's, terrible fours etc etc....you get the idea!
And I am desperate to join them. What if lil N feels left out when he grows up? All his buddies will have mommy bloggers while his mommy does not blog! Oh my! I think.
And then I keep wondering how long the "www" will last? Maybe I should start keeping a journal on my laptop? But eh who will comment? Isn't blogging all about getting feedback? Camon! Accept it!
I am an Asst Prof now. So I should not be blogging. Why not? I am sure there are 1000's of them doing just that.
Stop the voices in my head! My hands cannot furiously type what they are thinking!
Student life was so much fun. And now here I am sitting all alone in my big office. Watching the FOB desi students walk by asking for assistantships. No, ma I don't have any I say. If I had one, I may not give it to you because I know exactly how I "worked" when I was given one. Sitting in the lab till midnight every day, appearing to be working while I ended up watching movies on Tamil grounds. You are not going to be doing that in my lab I think. But my heart does go out to them but my mind stops be from being impractical. (I am a good person, don't judge me by this!)
I want to go home and take a nap. Oh no, I forget I can't do that! Because there is a lil devil who will jump on me as soon as I go home and hug me and will not let me go. A tremendous pleasure I tell you on 99% of the days. but on days like today all I want to do is go home and sleep. Maybe I can nap in my office and no one will know? What if the desi student walks in?
I think I better get back to preparing my lecture. That's the only way to put these voices to rest. So long!

Where to begin?

2009-04-30T15:41:00.002-05:00

After a very long time, I happened to visit my own blog. I am at work now but too lazy to do anything but vetti stuff.
I stopped blogging a while ago, maybe because there were so many changes happening that did not give me enough time. I would be lying if I said that I do not find time to write but in reality I do not have time to reflect.
In the last 2 years, I have graduated with a PhD and moved across the US twice. Now in addition we are expecting a new member in the family. All good things! Maybe that's the reason for me not blogging. Its the disappointments in life that have inspired most of my blogs and ofcourse as a single graduate student you have loads of time in your hands.
Also the fact the my other fellow bloggers have stopped blogging may have put me off a little.
And importantly that the one person who influenced, inspired and disappointed me is not a close part of my life anymmore.
Excuses, excuses you think?!
I want to start blogging again. And to my fellow bloggers who have followed me these years, I urge you to start bloggint oo. we should all be one happy family again.
Amen!

Whats for Dinner, Honey????

2008-01-16T21:29:00.001-06:00

What has 2 hands, 2 feet, a big appetite and does not want to cook or clean? Answer: A married man. I can see hear you swear and say "Hey! I share the daily house work !". Well, consider yourself as one of the few married to a darn lucky gal! I should confess that I am one of the few who is lucky on most days when my guy offers to help around. Why am I letting steam stressing specifically on the word MARRIED man? Because this man before he got married was perfectly capable of making the perfect chicken tikkas, keep his house tidy, doing his own laundry etc etc and once he ties the knot, POOF! pops the question "What's for dinner, Honey?" This is not a myth! This happens with 70% of the people I know. Its not just the guys who are ingrained this way but the elders of the society are of no help either . Long distance phone conversations always start by asking the gal what she cooked today, and to the guy about what he thinks of India's situation wrt cricket?. Why not the guy? And sometimes the gal even thinks it is her "duty" to serve the family. Can you believe this, in this age of Oprah and Hillary? One of my friends says, "My wife likes to be in-charge of the kitchen, so she never lets me enter." I think thats a BS excuse, my friend!!!
I agree ofcourse that this generation of men are better than the generation of our fore-fathers who never entered the kitchen come what may. But why does society expect the woman to be the house keeper? Why not the man pitch in when the woman is working her ass of during the day at her own job?
To those out there, who are not anything like the species I ranted about.....Kudos to you! You are savvy!!! And keep that up!
I am not a hard core feminist or anything but just want to put this thought out there...if you are a guy and reading this blog, never say " Whats for dinner, honey" but say "What shall WE make for dinner, honey?". Believe me, thats not only the best way to your gal's heart but also lays the foundation for a very strong family.
Amen!

Never fails to cheer me up....

2007-09-23T10:09:00.000-05:00

I had this poster (actually a print out) in my room for years now...I never glanced at it on ordinary days but whenever I felt lonely or dull, the words always managed to lift my spirits. I truly believed in these words. Since I moved, I do not have this poster with me....I could never forget the words......I am embedding it here, so I can come by anytime.
.........................................................................................................................................................................
There are moments in life when you miss someone so much that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real!

When the door of happiness closes, another opens; but often times we look so long at the closed door that we don't see the one which has been opened for us.

Don't go for looks; they can deceive.
Don't go for wealth; even that fades away.
Go for someone who makes you smile, because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright.

Dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go; be what you want to be because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you want to do.

Life is measured not by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away!

May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong,
enough sorrow to keep you human
and enough hope to make you happy.

The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.

When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling.
Live your life so at the end, you're the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying.

.........................................................................................................................................................................

At this very moment I miss you, my dear friend, so much that I wish I could hold you for real.

Things I dream to do but never will

2007-03-24T23:53:00.000-05:00

* Bunk work without warning, rent a car and drive away to an unplanned destination with a friend
* Invest all of my tiny savings into making a movie
* Star in that movie
* Say 'I love you' to somebody random for the heck of it
* Sing at a concert (my voice is horrible - FYI)
* Dance at a concert (again bad bad dancer)
* Buy a 6 ft teddy bear
* Show the finger at bad drivers
* Slap somebody (like they show heroines do in movies...ithu possibla?)
* Whistle at a super hot guy !!
* Wink at a girl (this is just for funzies!!!)
* Buy a house on the beach (i fear the tsunami, so not a possibility of this wish happening)
* Buy a purse everytime I buy a dress (I lauv expensive purses!!!)
* Finally, drive my car with "Thee pidika thee pidika" in full blast

Wating for a voicemail.....

2007-01-17T13:33:00.000-06:00

I am in a long distance relationship for a looooong time now and believe me it is tough! The pros of long distance relationship, as given by various websites and ‘start being happy’ kinda books are BS! The choice of staying away for me is due to the first priority given to career…..but is it really worth it I ask myself many many times.

This is how my typically day usually is (thanks to the great free minutes that cell phone providers give me…)

8.30 am : Me calling…..tring tring tring….no answer…leave voice mail….msg sounds something like this “Hi honey! Good Morning! Naan ippo avasarama kilambaren….labula signal edukathu…so will call u sometime during the day……love u!”

10.00 am: Check voice mail…… “Sorry sweetie! Missed your call…was in the shower……will catch u during the day. Have a nice day!”

Try calling…tring tring…no answer …leave voice mail

Noon: Another voice mail from him….Try calling again …..tring tring…

Here you can add another couple of voice mails from both sides…….

7.00 pm: Me calling again.... tring tring… yeh! finally I catch him.......to summarize the 5 min conversation……he is cooking/ he is in the gym/ he is still at work...so got to talk later……this happens with me when I am engaged with other things too…

11.40 pm: Mission impossibe tune starts playing…this is my phone ringing now….finally we talk for say 10 mins…catch up on the main events of the day….both of us too tried to stay awake….miss sharing the small events like the ice-cream I ate, the shoe he bought, how mean my boss was to me, how he saw this full fgiure girl (yes his eyes still wanders), the joke I loved on Scrubs etc etc……

And another day ends!

Other than phone calls, emails and scraps are exchanged but nothing like talking right? And ofcourse setting up a time to talk everyday uninterrupted works for a few days and back to old habits again!

Why am I pulambufying so much? Coz my dear readers, do not get to into a long distance and if you do….keep the time spent that way very short. Ennoda unwarranted advice ithu!

And despite listening to his annoying gruff voicemail atleast 10 times everyday, I forgive him (and he forgives me) as soon as I hear his voice!

Writing with downcast eyes........

2006-12-03T11:47:00.000-06:00

Time: Sunday afternoon
Mood: Pensive
Thoughts: Why I am the way I am?
Goal: To portray myself as a very cheerful persona......
Rationale: People tend to like happy people......happiness is what everyone craves for and they like to be surrounded by happy people too
Plan of action: Smile all the time; do not show your moods as I have lately been doing.

Reason for this post: Usually I am a happy person. But sometimes I have mood swings, which are triggered by stress at work or unkind words or actions from a loved one (who is far far way). This transforms into irritation, anger, hurt and negative emotions that affects my relationship with immediate people around me - usually my friends. I then get upet easily with things they do for no fault of theirs. And having hissed at them I feel ashamed the next day about my behavior. But being the nice friends they are they forgive me. But there still lingers a feeling of unease in my heart.......so maybe if I keep smiling all the time I will overcome these "mood swings"?

Love...

2006-10-16T19:15:00.000-05:00

Love is not what happened when our eyes met first,
Love is not what I felt with your first touch.
I knew it was love when...
.....my heart cried seeing you unhappy,
.....my heart danced seeing you smile,
.......my heart sang at the mention of your name.
I knew it was love when,
......I felt lonely if I did not see you for a day,
.......I got the courage to stand up against the world to be with you.
I know it is love when I leave you realizing that you love me not anymore.

Disclaimer: Not an effect of Jillunu Oru Kaadhal!!!

Just a passing thought.....

2006-10-09T17:00:00.000-05:00

Those four letters always creates some strong emotion in me……………….a smile, a flutter, a sadness, a longing, an anguish……………………sometimes a mixture of all these things. Any similar sounding words brings you to my mind……..that smile, that deep look in your eyes, your face an inscrutable mask always……are you thinking about the same thoughts as me I wonder?

Some things are better left unsaid I believe…………..

Kadhal virus.....

2006-09-23T00:44:00.000-05:00

It can be seen in your eyes, it can be seen in the tiniest of actions....
"Kaatikodukirathe kanne kaatikodikiruthe
Kadhal vazhigiruthe kannil kadhal vazhigiruthe!"
How do you hide something like love?
Love creeps into you....slowly...you never realise it and then it hits you in the face full blown! Then it is too late to stop it!
When it does wither away, it makes a deep unhealable gnash in your heart.
Literally you can feel your heart bleed!
These cherichable footprints of love....the lingering gazes, the slight touches, the deep sighs, painful fights, tearful making ups.........what more do you want from life?

Some facts in my life that I have to remind myself....

2006-09-17T23:23:00.000-05:00

This phase will soon pass....so do not worry.
This phase will soon pass...so hold onto every minute of it.
You are what you are, so try not change yourself for any one.
Change is good especially if it is in the interest of somebody else

Confusing ain't it? Enakkum thaan.......

En kelvikku enna pathil?

2006-09-09T19:50:00.000-05:00

Nan 4th padikache enga amma solluva - nee periya ponna aayitta, u shld not fight with your bro - nee vittukudukanumnu.
Again when I was in 8th she told me the same thing!
When I was at the end of 12th std, people around me constantly reminded me that college is a new phase and I am now an adult and will have to be responsible for all the decisions in my life.
Now at this stage (grad school), I know I am a grown adult but I sometimes wonder if I actually behave like one? I fight with my best friend often, I still fight over who should have the last piece of cake, I feel bad if amma and appa call up my bro more often than me. I feel terrible if A ignores me and watches football on TV. I love to play in the rain. I love to pull pranks on people. I love to tease others. I giggle a lot with my girlfriends. I sulk when I am not given attention. So as an adult am I allowed to do all these things? Am I still allowed to waste time on Friday nights till 4 in the morning doing nothing but hanging out with friends? Am I still allowed to have crushes that I know are going nowhere?Do all these things make me less of an adult?
This is an eternal confusion that persists in me. What are things adults do and when do you leave all your childish habits behind?
Suddenly I do get anwers to my own question - the day when I control my emotions and give all the help I can to someone I dislike totally, the day when I let small things go and be nice to A, the day when I level headedly consider someone's critical remark of me and agree that they are totally right. So is this the beginning to adulthood or will at every stage of life I still feel that I am not acting upto that part as yet?
Yeah I am in a very philosophical mood today!!!

Quick Update

2006-08-28T15:00:00.000-05:00

Quick update abt things happening since my last post:

* Worked on my thesis proposal...phew! that's out of the way now...(for people who are wondering what that is...its another step towards my degree!)
* Month long trip to Chennai - itha pathi sollave thevai illai...full maja thaan! namma ooru maarave illai...ofcourse ippo enna difference na there is more traffic, more people and more cell phones....keerai-kaari kooda has a mobile!!!!
* Back to work....or am I really? Still very disoriented...hate coming back here! Seperated from loved ones..its hard to get back!
* Our gang of 14 has now dwindled to a gang of 7...with people graduating, getting jobs etc. We still have other new comers but I am always wary of new junta so find it hard to embrace them immediately.
* Miss 2005 time with my very close friends terribly! It was a very simple life with As, me, K, An, Aa, N and P (preserving anonymity here!). All these except P have moved out....I am more than happy that P is still around.
* Waiting for Sillunu oru Kaadhal release. Trailers ellam supera irruku! Btw do u think Jo and Surya will really get married?
What's up from your end my friends? Many of you have not done much updating either...hope to read your posts soon!

2006-08-21T10:35:00.000-05:00

In answer to the queries of some kind souls who enquired about my absence - Just got back from Chennai....will update you soon with all the masala!!! Plz do keep visiting!!!

What kind of soul are you?

2006-06-26T09:29:00.000-05:00

I was too bored to work ....so decided to find my soul type!

You Are a Peacemaker Soul

You strive to please others and compromise anyway you can.War or conflict bothers you, and you would do anything to keep the peace.You are a good mediator and a true negotiator.Sometimes you do too much, trying so hard to make people happy.
While you keep the peace, you tend to be secretly judgmental.You lose respect for people who don't like to both give and take.On the flip side, you've got a graet sense of humor and wit.You're always dimplomatic and able to give good advice.
Souls you are most compatible with: Warrior Soul, Hunter Soul and Visionary Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

Why?????

2006-05-16T13:03:00.000-05:00

Why do I do love something when it is not rightfully mine?
Why do I have to be the one to give in every single time?
When I know that true love is unconditional, why do I expect to be loved?
Why do I assume that people will never change?
Why do I never learn from the past mistakes of my heart?
Why do I act as if I am the happiest person on earth when I am sobbing inside?
Why do I have to meet certain people in life?
When I know I am blessed with so many things in life, why do I crib about trivial things I do not possess?

Why?

Tulip time!!

2006-05-06T21:20:00.000-05:00

Spring is finally here......tis the season of singing birds, vivid flowers, longer days, open toed sandals, flowery skirts, long walks, cool nights etc etc.......!!!!
Above are some of the pics I took during my visit to a nearby Dutch community. The colours fascinated me.............wish I had a better camera to capture the essence of these pretty flowers.

If only......

2006-04-23T14:59:00.000-05:00

"I love your dark green shirt! It goes so well with your gray eyes" she told him.
He smiled. His smile always made her melt. She leaned close to him and could smell his Old Spice aftershave...another familar scent. She leaned over to take some papers from his desk. Theirs arms brushed and a tinge of pleasure ran down her spine.
He was a big support in her life. Since his desk was right next to hers at work, they also shared a lot of stories about their coworkers. He could read her face so well and konja sogam therinjalum he would be right beside her making her feel better.
"Hmm....how I wish life were different" she thought walking home from the bus stop tired after a long day. He always offered to drop her but she refused. He understood.
She walked to find that his car was already at home. The TV was blaring ,with chips strewn all over the place.
"Enna innikum late?" he asked, his black eyes glowing with irritation.
"Sorrynga naraiya velai ....I shall start cooking in a minute" she said, getting ready to make his favourite pulao. "If only life was different........" she sighed!

Chennai Saapadu Piriyargalukku.....

2006-04-16T20:51:00.000-05:00

Ennaku hotela saapadarthu na romba ishtam.....eppovena saapada thayaar....enga amma kitta eppa parthalum complain paanikitte irrupen....
"Amma un sanbar en hotel sambar maathiri illa? En un chutni hotel getti chutni maathiri illa?"
Amma solluvanga, " Unakellam anga irrikura waiters oda veruvai azhukku ellam pottu kudutha nalla saapuduva, inga kashta pattu cleana panna unakku irangathu!"Paavam amma....

Ennoda ishta hotels ellam inga varusai padutha poren...neenga yaaravathu intha hotels la saaptu irrukeengala?

Ofcourse, Madras naale first hotel mansauku varuvathu Saravana Bhavan thaan (see Kay's post for his experience there) - Mini Tiffin romba pidikkum!
Stella Mary's opposite illa irrukum Gangotri (naan chaat na uyireye vituviduven)
Fountain Plaza Ajnabi
Nungambakkam Suprabhat - Super Barota Kuruma
Nungambakkam High Road Dynasty - Indian Chinese food Oh Ho!!
Pondy Bazaar Hot Chips
Spencers Plaza Food Court
Anna Nagar Planet Yummm
Central Buhari's - angu Pongal sooper
Nungai Cakes and Bakes- Veggie Burger kalakals
Pizza Hut - Panner Pizza-ku munadi US la kadaikira pizza ellam thoosu
VGP Family Dosai (saaptadhu illai ...sappdanumnu aasai)
Mylapore Bombay Halwa House - naan and fried rice amogam!
Besant Nagar Aavin Sweets palgova
Adyar 'Traffic Jam' - Panner Butter Masala...aaha!
Thallu vandi Sugar Cane juice.....aamam inthu hotel varusaiyil varaathu aana nana enga karumbu juice parthalum, kudipen.......Ranganathan street vaasala irrukum Karumbu Juice store hot favourite

Ippadiye ezhuthite pogalam.....

Cha! Ithellam vitu enda ingu vanthom appdini ippo thonuthu!!!

2006-04-14T12:53:00.000-05:00

Tamizh Puthandu Vazhthukal!!!!!

Chiku buku chiku buku rail....

2006-04-11T22:22:00.000-05:00

Vazhakai oru rail payanam. You keep going towards your destination ….in that time you meet people who get on and off …some of them leave an imprint you will never forget......

One of my friends said this to me today – “You have made a very sweet impression in my life!”. I was touched to hear that........there are very few people you connect with instantly and it really saddens me when you cannot be with them forever. All you can do is cherish the moments you spent together....

“Naan urumai illamal thavikinren,
Naan azhthukonde sirikinren!”

There are certain people in life who you get very close to but you know this phase is only going to last for a short time…….after a period of few hours/days/months/years life is going to take you in separate ways.

These are thoughts put together due to the fact that in a matter of months, my destination will arrive and I will be seperated from few people in this world who I care for very much.......I know emails and phone calls can keep u in touch constantly....but nothing like a face to face conversation.....

"Nee illamal ethu nimmathi?
Nee than ingu yen sannidhi."

Mamma Mia!!

2006-04-07T15:01:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I saw Mamma Mia, the broadway musical based on the songs by ABBA. It was absolutely fabulous!!! The music was enchanting and lively and the charecters had played their role to perfection.The costumes were very colourful with a blend of blues and pinks in every scene. The women were gorgeous and the men handsome!!!The story is set on a Greek island and is about a daughter's search for her father. For more of the story click here.
The show had come to our city and as students we got "discounted" tickets which were $36 each. I have always wanted to see a broadway show and decided that this time I am not going to miss it irrespective of the cost! The play was worth the money and much more....
The auditorium was half empty so for the $36 tickets we got a chance to sit at the $56 seats. What else could make a desi happy?
If you do get a chance to see Mamma Mia, do not miss it!

About nothing!!!

2006-03-27T12:03:00.000-06:00

I have been kinda busy with work to think of something to blog.....aana etho update pannanumnu thonichu...so this is gonna be a random post about remarkable and unremarkable things in the last few days!!

Got up with the words "dammit!" this morning (becus I was late!)
Had Indian Chinese food on Friday which we all prepared. Menu was Hot and Sour Soup, Veg Manchurian, Gobi Manchurian, Chili Chicken, Chili Panneer and Fried Rice!!!
Had a fight with roomie on Friday morning - if u do not find a good roomie then u r doomed!
Stayed up till 2.00 on Sat night with friends discussing pregnancy, contraception, Indian politics, why seperate Islam law in India and finally Yoga....yeah random discussions!
Got an award for "Outstanding Graduate Student as Mentor" - nambamudiyala illa? Same here! All my friends have been wondering if there was a system error that they gave the award to me!!
Saw Flight Plan and Million Dollar Baby over the weekend - nice movies!
Had 3 hour discussion with advisor about the future course of PhD
Ran behind the city bus for 5 mins before I caught it ! (Madras nyabagam vanthichu!)
Went for a drive with friends listening to "Maramkothiye (Ah Aah)" playing again and again...amzing beat!!!
Had "paan" after a loooong time

So intha ellathukkum nadupura engenthu PHD ku time aapdinu kekkaringala??? Antha kelvi enakkum appo appo varum ...aaana athellam thali vechittu nan maatuka full enjoy pannitu irruken!

Right now I am humming "Partha Muthal Naale" from Vettaiyadu Villaiyadu...listen to it if you haven't yet. Its good!

Escape for now.......

Escape to wilderness!

2006-03-15T19:38:00.000-06:00

Our gang (14 of us) went on a camping trip to Mark Twain State Park, Missouri over the weekend. Here are some pics from the trip.

View from our cabin....

View during trek.....

Dark clouds rolling in..."Megam karukkidhu"

Some pleasant memories of the trip :

Beautiful cabins ..altho no water suppy or toilet facilties. Had to walk for 10 mins to get to water and restrooms.
Waking up to a hot cup of tea, and a beautiful view.
Campfire songs....
Lying down on the ground watching the moon and stars.
Driving a Dodge Armada....never driven an SUV before!!! It was rocking!!
Never missed the internet or phone (no signal) for a moment (in one of my posts I say that I cannot live without either...seems like I very well can!
I thought being with 14 people for 48 hours will be overwhelming but it was awesome!!

Wish I could have stayed here for ever.......

Tagged!

2006-03-03T13:07:00.000-06:00

Got tagged by Mystery!! Thanks Mystery!!! This is the first time I have been tagged....roma perumaiya irruku :)

Ten Years Ago
Veetula sollama first time theatrela padam parthen
Particpated in school fashion show in culturals
Got over my first crush
Met a person who would change my life significantly

Five Years Ago
Came to the US
Realized how much I want to go back to India
Started exercising regularly

Last one year
Met another person who affected my life profoundly (sorry for all this mystery...am not in a position now to divulge the roles these people have played!)
Went on a road trip with 10 friends and had the best time of my life!
Made a boy cry!
Started thinking "What's my role in life?" - my first philisophcal thoughts
Watched all episodes of Sex and the City
Published 3 papers
Tore my ankle ligament

Yesterday-
Saw Rang de Basanti on big screen.
Was on the phone with a friend for 2 hours .
Cleaned snow off my car
Slept at 2.00 am

Five Yummy things
Cadbury's Fruit and Nut
Bhel Puri
Rasagulla
Halwa
Avial (I love it!)

Five songs I know by heart
Jai jagadeesha Hare
Vasegara (Minnale)
Kanne kalaimane (Moonram Pirai)
Tanha Dil (Shaan)
Tere mere saath (Aks - Lucky Ali)

Places I escape to
Lab (sadly yes!)
Long drives to anywhere
Walks by myself or friends
Drown myself in music
Books

Five things I'd do if I have money
Build an orphanage in India
Travel all around the world
Spend like crazy on family, friends and myself
Fund a SWAT team to kill all terrorists (an eye for an eye!) - effect of Rang de basanti!
Dine in the best restaurants
Sixth .....Go to India every 2 months

TV Shows
Friends
Friends
Friends
Related
Sex and the City
I have more shows I watch but these are my faves!

5 Things I can't Live without
Him
Talking to friends
Drinking tea/coffee atleast twice a day
Hate to acknowledge this......internet and phone

Time changes.... so do people.....

2006-02-25T14:27:00.000-06:00

10 yrs back,
He: " I love you....nee ondi serinu sonnena naan unnai thattila vechu thaangaren!"

9 yrs ago,
" Baby, I cannot even imagine one moment of seperation from you. How will I live without you?"

8 yrs ago,
"Sometimes its necessary to stay apart when we have things to achieve, careers to concenterate on.....we know we love each other so why do we have to cling together every minute? These 2 years will fly fast I promise, my love"

6 yrs back,
" Honey, See these 2 years flew so fast, why not another 4 years? If I come back now then I might regret it for my entire life...you do not want that right?"

2 years back,
"Sorry I know did not get a chance to talk to you last evening but so what if we do not talk for a day? We are going to be talking for the rest of our life once we are together!"

Now,
He : "Hey dude....sorry I did not return your calls the last 3 days...work kept me busy and in the evening these guys want to party everyday..so hard to even get to the phone....yeah yeah I love u too U should know that since u have been with me the last 10 years...how can you even ask me such a question as to whether I love you? Have I ever asked you that?
Appram I shall call u this weekend and not before that because I am too stressed out even to talk now a days......
If you have any probs you can always handle it you are very strong....catch ya later...Bye!"

Her heart grieves with pain but she continues her life with a smile as if nothing has changed......

Why the outright kiss?

2006-02-22T10:20:00.000-06:00

This is a parallel story to Logic’s ‘Outright Kiss’. Read this here first.

When Ramesh proposed to me, my first thoughts were about you. I rushed to you ….
"Vijay, you gotto tell da...else i wont accept him"’ I said.
I was hoping the answer would be "Vendam Kavi….I love you more…please be with me".
But you acted as if you did not care.
When Ramesh left Chennai, I turned to you again for everything. I was hoping our friendship would blossom into something more. I even mentioned that I did not love Ramesh anymore. Again you acted as if you did not care.
You came with me everywhere, support me in everything but nothing beyond that.
I wanted to show you I love you…..I even bunked my exams to take care of you……you thanked me like any other friend would have.
I was heart broken for days. How much more can a girl put herself out there?
Suddenly I received a letter from Ramesh saying that he is coming back and he wants to be with me again. He said he would make amendments for all the pain he caused me.
I was in a fix…..do I go back to the person who had the courage to say he loved me or do I hang around waiting for a person who never recognized my love?
"Let me invite him to airport with me and maybe the pressure will make him say something" I decided.
The plane from Zurich landed but so far nothing other than comments about passing women. I gave up!
In frustration and confusion I ran to Ramesh and kissed him then outrightly!
“Serves you right, Vijay” I thought “for having made me believe that I am more than a friend to you but doing nothing about it.”

Frozen!!!

2006-02-20T14:48:00.000-06:00

Guess what the temperature here was a couple of days ago? - 12 F (that is approx -25C)!!!!!! That is freaking cold for a person from the ovens of Madras!!!! And in this lowest of the low temperatures I had to go pick up a friend from the bus station up at 3.00 am. At this ungodly hour, my car refused to heat up for a good 30 mins...by the time it did, I was back home again with frozen fingers. That was the coldest day of the year I think!
Here's a description of my daily attire in the winter- thermals, sweater, jeans, fleece jacket, winter jacket, gloves, scarf,hat, woolen socks and shoes. I wrap my scarf around my neck and face so only my eyes peep out. Dressing up this way also serves as a good way of finding out who my true friends are! You see.... not many people recognise me if I am dressed this way but my close friends!! This other day, I see a similarly attired guy walking towards me...both of us stop.... stare into each others eyes for what seems eternity till I recoginze him as a close friend! Sometimes I even wave to people who I don't know but assume it's somebody familar!!! Good time to make new friends too!
One good thing about dressing this way is you can keep wearing the same clothes inside everyday and nobody (but the people who work with you) know! Same black jacket every single day..but I pep myself with 3 different glove, scarf, hat sets to mix n match - purple, blue and black!
Also not to forget the many falls I have slipping on the ice...thankfully nothing hurt till now except my ego when from "well wishers" call out to me to walk carefully everytime they see me!
Last but not the least, here are a few tips to survive a cold winter (and also not to look stupid in the process):

Never over estimate your capacity...especially you guys who think it is macho to wear nothing but a cotton shirt when its freezing. We girls do not think its macho, we just think that you are too cheap to buy a winter jacket!
Take baby steps on the ice.......better to look like a vaathu walking on the streets than to lie splatterred like a pushnikkai!
Do not use your umbrella when it snows...it looks stupid!
Do not wear a monkey cap too for the same reason.
Find a good friend who will be ready to make you bajjis and tea when you are on the way home from a rough cold day (this is the best remedy for the winter)
If a friend calls you for the same favour, say that you have been stranded in the lab due to the snow ......go to her place after an hour..she will most probably have the bajjis ready by then.
Have 2 jobs - one down south where you can go during winter.
Alternatively have 2 wives/girlfriends/boyfriends/husbands - preferably one of them stationed somewhere warm, so you can visit them every weekend or when it gets too cold!
Hibernate from Nov to March.

What would you do if this were your last day on earth?

2006-02-15T12:12:00.000-06:00

This question was asked by one of the charecters on Grey's Anatomy last week and this set me thinking. What would I want to do if this were my last day on earth? I am sure you will all agree that each one of us will have a list of philanthropic things to do.....hence I am going to narrow down the list (omiting things like give money to the needy, donate organs etc etc) and just tell you the things I would like to do.....

Stop research at the instant I hear that this is the last day and run out of my lab.....gathering my possessions from there
Ferverently beg God to give me more time to waste on this earth!
Withdraw the meagre savings from my bank and distribute it to my family, clear debts and keep some for me (to spend on my last day ofcourse!).
Talk to my parents explaining why I did certain things and ask for their forgiveness.
Tell my family how much I love them.
Tell my beloved how much I love him......
Buy gifts for him - one for each year that he will spend without me......
Tell a certain someone how much they mean to me.....ask them if I mean as much?
Eat bhelpuri......
Eat lots of other things...if I am going then why bother about calories???
Get together with friends and have a blast...
Try drinking, smoking etc since I have always wanted to try but never had the courage to do so.....
Watch 'Friends' for sometime
Spend the rest of whatever time is left at the beach.

What would you do if this were your last day on the earth?

(I do not want you thinking depressing thoughts but this does provide you a new prospective on life doesn't it?)

Valentine's day

2006-02-13T14:19:00.000-06:00

Ok....come on now there should definetely be a post for this day right? But what do I write about....love? what I want for V day? What I am giving ? Or what my best V day has been so far??? hmm......
Anways this day always reminds of my first V day when I was in college...I am getting ready to go college and Amma says - "Di do not accept any card or gifts from anybody in college."
Me (acting innocent) - " Chee ma how can u say that? Na poi kanda pasanga kiitenthu card vaangu venna?
Amma (suspicious) -" Therinja pasanga kittenthum vaangatha...!"
Me (exasperated) - "Seri ma ippo aala vidaraiya!!" and escape....
Makes me smile everytime I remember this.......
Seri seri enuf of mothers on V Day!

First year - We all (boys and gals) decided to do a mass celebration of V day; girls tied red satin ribbons on their hair to mark the occassion and then we all went and had Kwality Ice cream.
Second year - 'He' convinced me that friends could celebrate V day too...so he gave me 2 audio cassesttes called 'Love Blossoms' (hindi collection) .....Onnume puriytha mathiri I took it home!
Third year - We mututally exchanged "friendship" gifts on Valentine's Day !
Fourth year - Totall lovey dovey exchange of 'I love u sooooo much' cards and heart shaoed gifts......
And so on goes our story....
Now after our marriage.......
Me - " What are you getting me for V day?"
He - " Enna venumo nee ye solidu...appram ithu athu nu crib pannatha"
Me - " I think V Day is being over rated these days and also I have decided to save money this year..so let's get something cheap for each other!"
He - "Hmm...nee ippdai than solluva appram na cheapa ethavathu vaanginena nee kochupa!"
and so went our conversations......let's see what V day brings!!!

But all said and done........."Honey, U r the best Valentine I can ever get!"

Listening time!

2006-02-08T13:30:00.000-06:00

Check this out..... http://tcastle.com/sweetiepie.html (keep your speakers on!)....
I love the voice of the kid on this one........
Sweet na???!!!!!!

I miss.....

2006-02-07T11:28:00.000-06:00

our long chats into the night,
the zillion emails we exchanged every day about nothing,
our frequent fights and tearful make-ups,
cooking together,
long drives,
your attempts to make me smile when I am down,
my attempts to cheer you up when you act as if is nothing is wrong but in reality everything is,
your sole attention directed towards me when there are 20 more people in the room,
you wanting to hanging around after everybody leaves,
our chats in the car, corridor, stairs, lab, anywhere we meet,
your attention to my small whims,
watching movies with you,
I miss everything about us,
I miss not having you as my best friend anymore.

Saravana!

2006-01-28T22:58:00.000-06:00

I like our little star Simbu for some vague reason (I feel he is very talented....wait wait I have changed my mind now!) and hence " Vivek comedy Sarvana padathula romba super nu" poi solli I made some of my totally anti Simbu friends watch the movie last nite. God what a waste of time!!! Vivek hardly appeared for 2 scenes that had nothing to do with comedy. Nagesh's acting was pathetic. Jo looked cute but more like a older sis to Simbu....and Simbu , what can I say but that he let me down totally! Paathi scenes la overacting and meethi padathula zero acting! Yen friends ellam ore gaandu yen mela.....! The only enjoyable part in the movie was all the Thirunelvi baashai......"Yele! enga poi nikka? Apu ennale chollarai? Charavana katthiya veesu le" etc etc. Sirkanth Deva avar appa vaiye minjitaaru paatu bit adikiruthula!!! The latest Black Eyes Peas song is in the movie!!!!
And I do not understand this airport last scene in all movies. Seems like the hero or the heroine has to miss their international flight to end the movie? Huh ithu enna oru puthu trendu!
Simbu inime Thotti Jaya maathiri roles edithuko so u do not have to much to say!!
Saravana ......odi ponga na!!!
(Last line should be read like the Sun TV Top 10 movies guy :) !! )

2006-01-26T12:06:00.000-06:00

You invited me for a flight of fancy. We soared along blissfully on the promises you made..... when for no reason you pushed me down. I am falling and falling……. I am confident that a parachute will open sometime before I crash down but till that its going to be scary ride. I never wanted to get on this flight with you in the first place!

2006-01-19T19:56:00.000-06:00

Tere mere saath jo hota hai,
Baat samajh me aati nahi.
Jab saara jag hi sota hai,
Neend hum me kyon aati nahi?

Tejo Mahal???!!!!!

2006-01-11T12:43:00.000-06:00

You might have received this as a forward in the recent times...if not check this out.....http://www.flex.com/~jai/satyamevajayate/tejo.html. Recent evidence points out that Taj Mahal was originally a Hindu Palace! I was interested to read the article but more thoughts crept in at the end of it.....is this going to be the new Babri Masjid issue? Why cannot people just let things be? Why do they want to start a new way to antagonize another community’s beliefs? Is it not easy to admire the monument's beauty and splendor and let history be? Many of you might not agree on this as I found that some of my friends did not either...if it was built by Hindus then it should rightfully belong to us they argued! These discussions irk me a lot since I believe religion to be the main cause for most battles. Ofcourse I do realize that if these facts are true, then it should revealed to the world. But I feel strongly that no further action should be taken but to just leave Taj Mahal be the symbol of never ending love as it has always been know to us.

Tell me.....

2005-12-21T14:31:00.000-06:00

Our eyes meet, our minds speak,
Lips curve into smiles,
I know the depths of your heart
You have climbed the crevices of my soul,
Yet like strangers we act...tell me why this is so?
Troubled days , cheerful times,
Long walks, simple dinners,
Sleepless nights, rosy dawns together we have seen,
Yet like strangers we act...tell me why this is so?

Masochists?

2005-11-25T22:48:00.000-06:00

Do we all have a little bit of masochism ( a taste for suffering) in each of us? Why do I go for things which are beyond my reach, fully knowing that even if I get it ...it cannot be mine? This is not ambition but just stupidity I think. Have you seen that in yourself or others? The kind of sufferring you inflict on yourself...is that just to create self pity? Do I think suffering can make me focus better? Have you ever denied your self certain things till you achieve your target? Atleast there is something to that but what if you are denying yourself the joy of friendship and hapiness so you can stay on the "right" side of the lane? Do these words strike a chord somewhere in your heart???????

This is blog is being written in frustration at denying myself something I crave so I can have a clear conscience.

You!!

2005-11-05T08:08:00.000-06:00

I toss and turn thinking of you deep into the night,
I look forward to my day hoping you are the first familiar face I sight,
I pick up every call anticipating your voice, I scan my inbox hoping to see your name,
Oh! But you have disappointed me many a time........
Why? Oh why? Should I be this way?
Why? Oh why? Can you not come my way?

This is my first attempt at poetry. Forgive me if it has anyresemblance to none....!

Acci-dent!!!!

2005-10-28T11:28:00.000-05:00

I was in a minor car accident last week. Thankfully nobody was hurt but my dear old car was pretty badly damaged. A drunk guy over ran the red light and boom!! crashed into me on the passenger side while I was turning left. This is my first time and the incident had me pretty badly shaken since I was in another city and did not know know who to call and what to do (ofcourse other than cops , insurance yada yada). More than the trauma of being in a crash, I have been stressed out dealing with the insurance guys. They are slick, rude over confident people - junta working in insurance firms ...plz do not take it personally- but these are the sad facts when your car does not have comprehensive coverage and they blame the accident on you!!!! Whither goes humane talk when you deal with impersonal professionals?
The accident has made a bigger in dent in my heart than on my car!!

Golu ....

2005-10-18T21:01:00.000-05:00

Its almost a week since Vijayadashami but I feel that I have to pen my fond memories of this wonderful festival of dolls which is every girl's favourite.....When we were kids me and my bro used to get very excited about keeping golu....I was excited about arranging all the bommai and my little bro used to get excited about arranging the players on the cricket set we had. He would change the positions of all of them everyday! Daily school lenthu vantha suda suda sundal kidaikum....and in the morning amma used to make some paysam or sweet.
Till I was 10 or 11, I used to be excited about inviting everybody to come for golu...I used to wear a nice pattu paavadai sattai and take a fancy kunkuma chimizh and go seeking into our colony for people to invite. Also we used to go to peek everyday at other's golu and sigh if they had an electric train set or lights or something new we did not have.....(after a few years I lost a little interest in inviting all the maamis of our neighbour hood because everywhere I went they wanted me to sing and I was (still am!!) a paatu nayana suniyam !!!). We had dolls which were almost 50 years old passed down from my patti and all kinds of 'sets' - dasa avatharam, ashtalakshmi, ramar seetai, shivan koil, kalayana set, mappilai azhaippu set, navagraham and later on even TV set - where a family is watching TV!!
Here in the US I did not even realise that golu passed quickly!! I did Saraswati poojai tho..need her belssings to get my dissertation done!! In those days, during Saraswati pooja, I would never read anything for the whole day after having kept all the books in the pujai room. And the next day I would read atleast 2 lines from every single subject I had, lest Saraswati let me slip in the one I missed!!!
Those were the innocent merry days.......(long sigh)

Madras nalla Madras

2005-10-09T02:09:00.000-05:00

Nostalgia...

Drinking Saravana Bhavan filter kaapi and coming home to another cup from Amma
Early morning walk at Marina Beach
Running for the thani lorry
Bribing the thani lorry guy to stop for an extra minute in front of your house
Sutthufying on my Scooty
Sutthufying with my then boyfriend and now husband, hoping none of my family will see me
Running to catch the over crowded Pallavan bus
Feeling of delight when you get a seat on the bus
Feeling of having conquered something when you get your bargain prize for the bangles in Mambalam
Drinking karumbu juice from roadside vendors
Watching Sun News every nite and Chitti before that
College cut adichu Udayam theatre la padam parkaruthu
Gift shopping at Landmark
Go to browsing centres to browse the net

My hot, humid, over populated, dirty but "Singara Chennai"...I miss u terribly!!!

Is cockroach Thai ??

2005-10-02T12:11:00.000-05:00

It all started with going to this upscale Thai restaurant yesterday with 2 of my friends for a lesiurely Saturday dinner......I ordered Veggie fried rice and like all desis usually do or rather the desi gals do.....I doggie bagged the rest of the food after a few nibbles.....today when I microwaved the remainder for a nice cosy breakfast and am almost half way thru it when...here's the climax u r waiting for......I found a COCKROACH in the food!!!
Siva! Siva! What do I do? I know this is not uncommon but has never happened to me......I could have called them and yelled at the cute waiter...but what would he do? Reimburse me for the food? What about all the mental trauma of seeing a small bug next to the baby corn...I thank atleast it was not half a cockroach!!!All I can do is to get my vengance by spreading the word among all desi junta here ! I have lost my appetite for rest of the day!

Love me like I love you....

2005-10-02T11:42:00.000-05:00

You get hurt in love only when you love with expectations.....this was one of the messages conveyed by Paul Coelho in his latest book 'The Zahir'. Isn't that so true? I have many a time realized that giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they will love you back in return (No, no I am not postbreak up or anything...this is a general statement!).......but how can you love without expectations? I expect the person I love to love me back in return equally if not more....am I being needy here? Although a very practical and level headed person, I feel betrayed if the love I place on someone is not requitted......am I just making too big a fuss here?

My rules of blogging

2005-10-01T17:21:00.000-05:00

What do I want my blog to be like?

Short
Funny
Not too intimate
To express my emotions - anger , resentment, frustration, happiness

What do I expect my blog to do?

Nothing!! (I love reading blogs - so I am just going to experiment)